Happiness: Hard to earn

We laugh and smile and we’re not happy. I guess that laughing and smiling are just really a response to a certain action. I say so because it is easy to smile even you’re lonely but it will never be the same if it really means to me. 

Have you ever been so sad and you cannot put in details why? Have you been thinking about a lot of things and yet it led you to a neutral emotion (some kind of numbness) and then you find yourself in the corner of your room thinking and thinking again about a lot of stuffs, asking what’s wrong, lacking and what’s really going on? Or even asking for solutions about a problem you don’t even know where from? What do you call that state of mentality? 

I do not usually go out with friends, 3/4 of my life is basically working and “me” time. Every day there are few poeple in my inbox, a little chit chat. There are people available to talk but it is me who doesn’t feel like talking to them. What’s going on with my self.

I must admit I am missing someone. Being in a long distance relationship is hard, my boyfriend is a seaman and I hope you can imagine how hard it is to wait for the time, to adjust to time, to manage the time, skip sleeping because time is precious and you are not going to talk to him or see him everyday. 

Happiness is sacrifice. I can go out with friends but my friends are also busy working, and during my weekend days off, I want to relax in my room from Monday-Friday grind and sleeping 6 hours or less every night. I do not have so much time for myself and sometimes when homesickness strikes, it strikes hard. PLUS this effin hormones and PMS. Oh how I wish I could be with the person I love. You know, with just one hug all tiredness can be erased. And if you ask about my family, I am living with my mom and my father and 2 more sisters are in my own country. My Mom, I think feels the same way I do. But we must fight for this emotions and keep going on. Smile even if it is not that happy, fight on and live on because it is all part of sacrifice. 

Happiness is hard to earn. I sometimes do not know what happiness means. Contentment maybe? I am content with my life but I want to laugh the real laugh, smile the real smile, and go crazy over things and have fun. 

In short, I need a vacation. Miles awat from my work, recollect my broken pieces and get back my mindset. I need a time for me, for my boyfriend and I know with that, I’m going to be really HAPPY. 

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There’s more to life.

​”You go to places and you see the world, you make memories that you can bring until you grow old.” – #ldrandlifeblog
I have to repost this photo. I always long to see mornings like this. This makes me feel like I want to live more. This feels life. 

Kung hindi dahil sa boyfriend ko, hindi na ako mangangarap uli.

I realized that andami pang magaganda sa buhay than what we have right now. Ako nga eh, never in my life na naisip ko na makakakita ako ng ganito kagandang view. Never in my life na inakala kong posible palang mangyare lahat ng magagandang ito sa buhay ko.

Kagaya sa love life, friends. 

Nasayo lang yun if you want to see it also. If you are willing to grow or just stay there not moving on. 

Instead of doing bad things to feed your ego, why not do good things to improve yourself? I’ve seen people that are injured, badly hurt, emotionally broken. I’ve been there too. Somewhere in my life  I belong to that group of people. 

I saw them and saw what they are doing, i saw my self and I start comparing and I told my self,

“No, I do not want to be like that. I am hurt but I do not like to be bad nor kawawa.” 

Pag nasasaktan ako, I want to improve, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Kaya instead na manakit din ako ng iba? Hindi na lang. Hindi naman sila masasaktan eh. Bakit ko naman ilalagay ang sarili ko sa tabi ng bangin, tas pag nagtatalon ako don eh ako din naman ang may 100% chance na mahulog at mashigok. Hehe. 
I am not judging them people. They have their own life style, they have their own defense mechanism kung paano sila makakawala sa “sakit.” And I have my own way too. 

Hindi ko sinasabi na wag nilang indahin ang sakit na nararamdaman nila. It hurts a lot seeing the one you love walking away from you. Been there. I will go crazy if that happens to me. But one thing is for sure of that happens, I will cry today but I will be successful tomorrow. 
P.S.

When I write, I am talking to myself.

Wala na kasing bago (English&Tagalog)

Ako yata yung taong laging gutom sa experience. Ako lang ba ang ganito? Yung hindi kuntento sa mga kaalaman at experience sa buhay at laging gustong may matutunan. Actually, sa mga materyal na bagay, dedma na lang eh. Sa mga experience at adventure lang talaga, parang gusto kong palagi na may bago. Because I know that experience and knowledge cannot be stolen, and it is meant to be learned and earned. 

Anyway, sa totoo lang napa blog ako dahil there are times that I realized I want so much in life and there is more that I can do. I get so bored of what I am doing today and cannot stop over thinking if I will push my wants and set a side my needs. Maybe this is psychologically part of adulthood. When you are in the middle age and you get so worried about stuffs. Haaay, I cannot wait to get over this. After all that i have been through, I cannot just stop and quit. I can do better. 

Barko yan, cruise ship. Dati wala yan sa utak ko at wala akong idea sa pagwowork sa barko. Pero mula nung maging boyfriend ko na si Kerk, at nung magka idea ako sa work doon na pwede din pala ang photographer don, naging curious ako. Parang gusto kong ma-try. Dahil ayoko na rin magwork sa bahay dito sa Madrid. Gusto ko ngang makasubok ng bago. Pag talagang di mo pa nakikita kung ano talaga ang gusto mo di ka talaga mapapakali sa buhay mo. You will fail 10x, and stand up 11x. 

That is what we have in life overseas. 

Nababagot ako. Lagi na lang kasing work, wala ka man lang oras sa sarili. Yun, sa mga bakasyon sa Pinas, yun ang pag-asa at pinaka pahinga. If only we could be a happy go lucky person. Kaso being a responsible individual is very hard and risky. Claro, iririsk mo ang mga bagay na makakapagpasaya sayo just because you have to be a responsible person para someday wala kang pagsisisihan. Ako pa naman yung taong takot magkamali. Hindi dahil sa gusto ko maging perfect, imposible yun. Takot lang ako magkamali because when I do, my loved ones will leave me and treat me as if they are very regretful of having me. I do not want to feel that lalo at sa mga mahal sa buhay ko lang ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob at kaligayahan araw araw. 

I am always craving for adventure. Lalo na kapag sawang sawa na ako sa sentimiento ng buhay ko at as in ayoko na ikwento sa mga kaibigan ko ang paulit ulit kong storya, damn, gusto ko na lang kumawala at mawala para tumakas. But when I feel I want to be selfish, I cannot just be. Next time ipopost ko ang mga “blues” ko dito. 

At the moment, gusto kong huminga,Magpahinga, magrelax at humugot ng panibagong lakas. Dahil yung naka stock ko, ubos na. 🙈🙊🙉