If I surrendered, 

Happy Sunday! I just attended the Sunday Mass here in Paroquia de Santa Teresa y Santa Isabel, a big church near our place. This is my favorite church not only because it is near but for many reasons too.  There, I feel I am welcome and I feel safe and honest. 🙂 I will update this blog soon to include the photo of the church. 

I was looking back to everything that I encountered and it includes facing my depressions. I was in that point when I already want to end my life, and even planning how to end it, but everytime I was about to do it, God is acting and sending some angels to stop what I am thinking. I know we could enumerate the things that we hate about this life and sometimes because of that we cannot count the blessings that we are receiving and that is a fact we can’t deny.  It happens, it will happen again and again, but the most important thing is you are always willing to learn from it and the next thing you know is waking up in the morning stronger than yesterday and become transparent.  

Life maybe is like playing Mobile Legends:Bang Bang. 🤣 Sometimes you’ll concede defeat, sometimes you will lose, sometimes it’s laggy because of poor internet connection, but you know at some point, you’ll gonna win and you have the chance to become the MVP. ❤️

If I surrendered, maybe I do not know how it feels like to become happy, winner, and the MVP of my own battle! ❤️

When you’re tired, rest. 

Here at 100 Montaditos, Narvaez. It is my favorite place the food is cheaper than any other bars & restaurant you could ever encounter in Spain. There are burgers that costs €1,20 only. And beers in large beer mugs costs €1,50 and then you’re okay. 😁

I have been reading different blogs too about self improvement, how to be rich, how to save money, how to reach your goals. And it helps me a lot whenever I am in the state of overthinking. I know it sucks to overthink. But  when you are usually alone or when you feel down you can’t help it. Help your self or ask for someone’s help if you cannot fight it alone.  There’s a lot of solutions. 

I am tired about everything in my life.  I just cannot enumerate this or maybe I don’t have enough courage to share it for it is too personal but I am still lucky to have this life and God is giving me many reasons why I need to fight the challenge. 

When you feel like you’re tired, you can rest. Don’t quit, just rest. You only need to pause and gain back the energy so tomorrow you can fighy again once more. Be thankful that there’s a lot of people who can understand you despite on how you react on simple things. Your boss who always understands you even when you feel down and can’t go to work on time, you’re lucky. I’m lucky. Your boyfriend who catches every tears that’s falling from your eyes. I cannot imagine how one people like my boyfriend is happy whenever he sees me smiling or laughing and yet so bothered whenever he hear my voice soft and lonely. I can never thank him enough for being there for me. I’ve been so sad for a long time and I deserve to be happy too. That is what I always feel. But who else in this world is not lonely? Everybody does have a reason to be but some chooses not to. 

I saw myself super down and not loving myself enough. I do not want to be that girl anymore. I promise. When I feel tired, I rest, I exhale and get my self a mug of beer and go home like  I am not tired of everything. 

Wala na kasing bago (English&Tagalog)

Ako yata yung taong laging gutom sa experience. Ako lang ba ang ganito? Yung hindi kuntento sa mga kaalaman at experience sa buhay at laging gustong may matutunan. Actually, sa mga materyal na bagay, dedma na lang eh. Sa mga experience at adventure lang talaga, parang gusto kong palagi na may bago. Because I know that experience and knowledge cannot be stolen, and it is meant to be learned and earned. 

Anyway, sa totoo lang napa blog ako dahil there are times that I realized I want so much in life and there is more that I can do. I get so bored of what I am doing today and cannot stop over thinking if I will push my wants and set a side my needs. Maybe this is psychologically part of adulthood. When you are in the middle age and you get so worried about stuffs. Haaay, I cannot wait to get over this. After all that i have been through, I cannot just stop and quit. I can do better. 

Barko yan, cruise ship. Dati wala yan sa utak ko at wala akong idea sa pagwowork sa barko. Pero mula nung maging boyfriend ko na si Kerk, at nung magka idea ako sa work doon na pwede din pala ang photographer don, naging curious ako. Parang gusto kong ma-try. Dahil ayoko na rin magwork sa bahay dito sa Madrid. Gusto ko ngang makasubok ng bago. Pag talagang di mo pa nakikita kung ano talaga ang gusto mo di ka talaga mapapakali sa buhay mo. You will fail 10x, and stand up 11x. 

That is what we have in life overseas. 

Nababagot ako. Lagi na lang kasing work, wala ka man lang oras sa sarili. Yun, sa mga bakasyon sa Pinas, yun ang pag-asa at pinaka pahinga. If only we could be a happy go lucky person. Kaso being a responsible individual is very hard and risky. Claro, iririsk mo ang mga bagay na makakapagpasaya sayo just because you have to be a responsible person para someday wala kang pagsisisihan. Ako pa naman yung taong takot magkamali. Hindi dahil sa gusto ko maging perfect, imposible yun. Takot lang ako magkamali because when I do, my loved ones will leave me and treat me as if they are very regretful of having me. I do not want to feel that lalo at sa mga mahal sa buhay ko lang ako kumukuha ng lakas ng loob at kaligayahan araw araw. 

I am always craving for adventure. Lalo na kapag sawang sawa na ako sa sentimiento ng buhay ko at as in ayoko na ikwento sa mga kaibigan ko ang paulit ulit kong storya, damn, gusto ko na lang kumawala at mawala para tumakas. But when I feel I want to be selfish, I cannot just be. Next time ipopost ko ang mga “blues” ko dito. 

At the moment, gusto kong huminga,Magpahinga, magrelax at humugot ng panibagong lakas. Dahil yung naka stock ko, ubos na. 🙈🙊🙉